Mojo … What Is It and How Do You Get Some?/Party Girl/Queen of San Francisco

Remember after my last post when I said that I was going to post everyday? Well, I’m a big, fat fucking liar. Actually, not so fat since I’ve been doing two-a-days at the gym. Love. I have endorphins coming out the ass.

So before I start my post, I just wanted to share a song with you. Mostly just because I turned on my ITunes Genius to Rap/Hip-Hop and this is the first song that came on:

Remember that one? “Swing batta, batta, swiiiiing … ” Love that song. Oh … “Go” by Common is on now. Love this song. Common is a sexy Chicago boy and his music is sexy as hell. If you’re trying to seduce someone, I’d always go with Common as a musical choice.

Anyway, “mojo”. So, mojo is basically just the ability to attract people, especially in a romantic/sexual context. Anyway, mojo isn’t really controllable … it kind of comes and goes as it pleases. Last year, during the Great Depression, my mojo was pretty low. Of course, I never really tested that hypothesis since I was in my apartment staring at walls and crying 99% of the time.

O.K., another great song … this song makes me laugh my ass off … not sure why. I think it’s the line “Get in the car, don’t touch nothin’”

Now a little Ice Cube … goddamn I have good taste in music! (By the way, if you don’t actually “Know” me in person, this post is very indicative of the way I talk in conversation; lots of tangents.)

Anyway, in the last couple of months, my mojo has suddenly become untameable. I’m convinced being at the gym has something to do with it. I’ve dated a LOT of people in LA that I met at the gym including my NFL ex … it must be something in my sweat because I look like 10 pounds of shit in a 2 pound bag whenever I’m at the gym. Just in the last few weeks, I’ve had some random flirt with me at least once a day and I’m averaging dating invites once a week. I have no idea of where the fuck this is coming from. I don’t think I’ve suddenly morphed into Heidi Klum so it’s a little weird. But not bad. And it happens everywhere … grocery store, gym, dry cleaner, liquor store … just crazy. I must be giving off some crazy pheremones. And it’s not like I’m all dressed up … I’m usually in my “uniform” of yoga pants, flip-flops, ponytail or hat and no makeup. I guess I’m just kinda happy … maybe that’s doing it?

On another topic which sort of ties in, I was watching one of my movies the other day, “Party Girl” with Parker Posey. If you haven’t seen it, I would rent it immediately. Anyway, I remember first seeeing this movie in LA while I was in law school and interning for the summer at the ACLU.

Sorry, another music break … I love Busta Rhymes and I must dance immediately.

Sorry bout that … once a dancer, always a dancer … I can’t hear great music and not shake my ass … God, I really need a Vegas trip!

O.K., focus Lisa, focus! Back to Party Girl. The protaganist “Mary” is this fabulous chick who is super fucking cool with a great wardrobe and is totally dialed in. I remember watching this movie and thinking “I would love to have a life like that one day. I want to be Mary!” Upon re-watching this movie, I realized that I did kind of become Mary … if any of you knew me when I lived in San Francisco, I really did own that city. I drank and ate for free everywhere I went. I seemed to know every cool person in the city. Sometimes I wish I could transplant the LA weather to San Francisco … I would have never left. Of course, I’d probably also have cirrohis (sp?). The following scene from Party Girl sort of reminds me of those days … my wingman Kim was with me most of the time …. what do you think, Kim?

Anyway, back in those days I had enough mojo for 7 or 8 people but it made me realize something … I’m still that same person! I don’t have a husband and/or kids tying me down! I obviously can still pull a pretty good crop of men (not so easy in LA … lots of competition!) so I’m taking the Jennifer Aniston route. I’m going to go to Mexico, drink margaritas, wear skimpy bikinis and make out with hot random men! Maybe I should change this blog from “What Would Lisa Do” to “What Would Jennifer Aniston Do”? Anyway, I’m newly dedicating my life to fun. My career is booming, pretty soon I’ll be out of debt and I’ll have all this money to spend on little ol’ me (yes … I am going to save a lot … I’m not totally irresponsible!) O.K., I have no idea of what this post is about. Talk about meandering! I need an editor asap!

I plan to start having some fabulous adventures, dating and otherwise. In fact, I think I’m going to call the NFL ex- and see what he’s up to … he is 10 years younger than me but at least he’s in his 30s now … I think that’s ok, right? I’ll let y’all know how that turns out.

xoxoxo,

Lisa

P.S.–I really really REALLY am going to write more.

50 Shades of Crap, i.e., My Review of the Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

O.K., so I’ve been M.I.A. for a while … sorry about that.  I’ve been actually working somewhat hard and then I caught some bullshit flu but  …. the great/awful thing about being laid up in bed was that I had a chance to read all three books of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.  Yep  … that’s right … approximately 1200-1500 pages of some of the worst writing ever to be published. 

So, I had no clue that this series even existed until I saw it on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and words like “provocative”, “sexy” and “S&M” were being flung about.  That caught my attention as something I might be interested in exploring further.  I also saw something about how this trilogy started as “Twilight fan fiction” which scared the holy bezejesus out of me (have you ever read any “fan fiction”? A friend encouraged me to Google “Harry Potter” and “fan fiction” … I’m still emotionally scarred).

So the last book series that I heard about through word of mouth, magazines, etc. was The Hunger Games and I LOVED. And that didn’t even have any sex in it! God knows, I love me a hot sex scene. And it sounded like this book was going to be like a more in-depth “9 1/2 Weeks” with fucked-up characters that I could psychoanalyze. Like when watching “9 1/2 Weeks” I wanted to be turned on, yet disturbed. Sort of the way I feel whenever I have sex … (kidding, kind of … ). Anyway, enough introduction, here is my review. ****WARNING …. SHITLOADS OF SPOILERS COMING YOUR WAY****

Our protaganist is this college student who is 22, absolutely gorgeous, brilliant, and … a virgin. That’s where the book first lost me. Seriously???? And she’s not particularly religious or anything. Just this smokin’ hot 22 year-old who never gets asked out while attending a large university. Or has a one-night stand. Or drinks. Or attends parties. Right. So she’s this super good time. Meanwhile, her roommate, who appears to be marginally cooler, gets this flu and can’t interview this guy, something Grey (first name doesn’t matter) who is 27 and yet, a billionaire (although it’s never explained what exactly he does) and like movie-star handsome. So Bill Gates mixed with JFK Jr. It’s never explained why the most important man on Earth is giving an interview to a college newspaper but we’ll just skip past that one … there’s so many other ridiculous events that occur that this is but a minor blip on the radar of nonsense one has to wade through.

So Anastasia, our heroine, does the interview for her roommate and even though she’s a stumbling buffoon who can barely speak, Mr. Grey (Christian … I just looked it up) becomes obsessed with her and wants to do dirty, dirty things to her. Specifically, young Mr. Grey would be known as a Dominant in the BDSM community (look it up if you don’t know anything about this world. Due to a very chatty former manicurist, I know much more about this sub-culture than I would ever want to know). So what Mr. Grey really wants is to have Anastasia be his “submissive” and basically beat the shit out of her in his “playroom” which is equipped with riding crops, paddles, restraints, etc. You know … all the stuff you want to see in your new boyfriend’s place. If you’re a masochist, that is.

Christian apparently has some very shitty background where his mother was a crackhead prostitute who od’d and he was beaten regularly by his Mom’s pimp until he was adopted by this lovely family at age 4. O.K., so in my mind, that makes sense …. a lot of men who have backgrounds like that grow up to be sexual sadists, and/or have serious committment issues, etc. I know this because while sick, I watched pretty much every single show on Investigation Discovery. How did I not know about this channel? I’m so addicted. Anyway, Christian doesn’t have “girlfriends” just “subs” who he fucks and beats but can’t have an intimate relationship with because of his horrible childhood. O.K., so far, all believable. I get his character.

Mr. Grey then offers little Miss Virgin the position as his new sex slave. He has many rules like: (1) they can’t sleep in the same bedroom since he has never shared a bed EVER; (2) they are not “dating”; (3) she has to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement; etc. We also learn that Grey has this shrink, Dr. Flynn, with whom he socializes (?) and obviously seems to be doing a poor job if his client has been seeing him for years and he still can’t take someone on a normal date, like to a movie. Or get a woody without flailing someone. I’ll have to ask Dr. Sue Harris at our next appointment if she would feel comfortable if I only had relationships with people whom I had to address as “Sir” and/or wear some sort of collar like a dog. I have to say …. as fucked up as I am, I’m not THAT fucked up.

So , so far, I like the Christian Grey character. I find him believable and fucked-up/complex enough to be a really interesting character. Like Mickey Rourke in “9 1/2 Weeks.” (Which I just viewed again last night to compare and contrast.) I’m starting to get into this book. I wanted to see how twisted things get and if the virgin becomes totally psychologically scarred and then finally gets the strength to say “enough” and kick this fucktard to the curb (that’s how my plot would go, btw). Instead, before Miss Anastasia has barely received one paddle on her skinny, virginal ass, the book becomes a fucking romance novel. Seriously. Fabio should be on the cover. I have NEVER been so disappointed by a book. It turns out that Mr. Grey just really needs “the love of a good woman” which will “save him” once he allows himself to fall in love. Barf. Barf. Barf. Their first night together he’s already sleeping in the same bed and not making her sign any agreements, etc., etc.

Meanwhile, they become a “couple” but he’s still a controlling, possessive assdick which doesn’t seem to bother our protaganist at all. Like when he puts tracking devices on her car and phone. And gets pissed off if she doesn’t respond to his email within 10 minutes. Totally normal. And she just seems to brush aside these “minor” issues with “*sigh*, that’s my Grey!” Like she’s proud of his intolerable behavior. So yes … it’s basically three books of this nonsense. They get married and at the end of Book Three she’s pregnant with a boy. I’m sure he’ll be totally normal.

This book pissed me off for many, many reasons. First, the sex scenes sucked. Look, I’ve shared everything else, so why not my sex life, right? I enjoy a bit of light bondage from time to time …who doesn’t? Nothing wrong with a little role play to spice up your sex life. Their sex scenes either end up with her sobbing uncontrollably because he beat the crap out of her or they are “making love” and she’s having an orgasm every time his penis gets within 50 yards of her vagina. Second, the message of the book seems to be if you’re dating some jackhole with a fucked-up past, it’s ok to let him be a controlling asshole and just take a “boys will be boys” attitude. WRONG!!! Those are the men who wind up seriously abusing and sometimes, killing their spouses. Nothing more dangerous than a controlling, insecure man. Telling you when and what to eat, wear, sit, stand, bathe, etc. is just not acceptable. Unless you are three. So basically, this book, like many others, sends the message that men just engage in this sort of tomfoolery because they “really really love you” and “can’t help it.” Bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. That message is just sooooo WRONG.

Frankly, this book sets the feminist movement back about 300 years. The protaganist is only allowed to have a job at a company purchased by her dear hubby so he can spy on her at all times.

And, again, not to harp but there are NO HOT SEX SCENES! NOTHING PROVOCATIVE!!! I could have read a Harlequin Romance and saved myself approximately 1200 pages of bullshit. I am a fast reader but still … this was a good three days of reading. I will never get that 72 hours of time back. I think the only people who will find this book “hot” or “scandalous” are housewives somewhere in the Midwest or South who married the first guy they ever fucked and have had boring sex ever since. However, if you’ve had anything other than the most gentle, missionary-position sex, you’ll be disappointed.

I know some of you will still read this because it appears to be some sort of culture phenomenon but I’m telling you now … you will be disappointed. Also, possibly angry, as I was when I finished the last book and threw it across my room unintellionally knocking several Squishables off their chair. As it happens, they also didn’t want to read this rubbish.

So, in closing …. DON’T READ THIS BOOK!!!! IT SUCKS ASS!!!! If you are looking for something that actually has some literary value, I would pick up “Arguably Essays” by the late, great Christopher Hitchens. If you want a quick, easy read, I suggest “So Pretty It Hurts” by Kate White.”

O.K., I’m going to really try to go back to once a day posting. We’ll see how that works. Adios, amigos. xoxo, L

In Honor Of Opening Day …. GO CUBS GO!

O.K., this was supposed to be attached to my previous post. My only excuse is that I’m a technological retard. Sorry y’all.My friend, Kim, (a REAL friend, unlike my former bff who befriend my FATHER on Facebook, WTF?) sent the Cubs v. Sox video to me.  Kim doesn’t know a bat from a ball but the point is that she was thinking of me because she loves me!  I was totally pissed off today thinking about my ex bff and thinking about her going behind my back to talk to “the enemy”.  I was angry all day.  Then, tonight, I watched this hilarious video and decided I needed to adjust my damn attitude.  Fuck all the haters out there who WISH they could be me, date me, fuck me, whatevs.  The point is I have a SHITLOAD of people who love me exactly the way I am.  When you’re a strong personality, people are always gonna hate.  It’s your choice whether you concentrate on the ones who have your back or the icky, slimy shit on the bottom of your shoe. I know which way I’m going.