Jersey Shore

So I pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday night (working … you have a one-track gutter if you’re thinking otherwise) and I was totally spent by last night.  I watched Jersey Shore in an Ambien haze and now I feel like I don’t even remember what happened.  I know Snickers gets hit but I think they didn’t actually show her getting hit for some reason?  Am I right?  And I sort of remember a reconciliation between Sammi and Ronnie.  I need to watch again.  Lucky for me, MTV will broadcast it 75 times more in the next 24 hours.

Btw, I just read somewhere that the cast of Jersey Shore was in L.A. LAST WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why didn’t I know about this?????  My New Year’s resolution is to make out with the Situation.  Can anyone help me make this happen?

The Grossest Word in the English Language

“Lover.”  So creepy.  J and I just had a long discussion about anyone using the word “lover” or “making love” just giving us the heebie jeebies.  There was this very odd paralegal I used to work with … we’ll call her “Emily” for the sake of the blog.  She was telling me about her new bf who she apparently had been friends with for years.  I asked when they started dating.  Her response … “we’ve only been lovers for a few weeks.”  So. Disturbing.  Ewwwwwwwww …why would you say that?  As I told J, I would rather have some guy describe me as “this chick I’m banging” than his “lover.”  So. Fucking. Creepy.

It’s Like Xmas Came Early

Seriously … December is a perfect storm of reality television.  Besides Jersey Shore, I now have the “Sing-Off” every night this week which, for you Smithies, is like “Nick Lachey hosting Winter Weekend” as my dear friend Marcy so succintly put it.  Maybe it’s just because I have so many funny/horrible memories from college associated with a cappella singing groups but this show is totally compelling t.v.  I don’t know where to begin.  For those of you who did not go to a totally fucked-up women’s college on the East Coast, you may not be familiar with this phenomenon.  Basically, on the East Coast, there are a bunch of schools that have these a capella singing groups, one of the most “well-known” being the Tufts Beelzebubs (not making up this name.)  This group is also on the show.  Now, if you did not spend 4 looooong years trapped in an estrogen den, you may look at these dudes and think “wow, what losers” or “aren’t they gay?”  Let me tell you … these guys would come to Smith and have women FIGHTING over them.  Even the ugly ones.  And none were hot.  There was always one guy in one of these groups who was the “cute” one.  Keep in mind that this guy was never “hot” by any objective standard …. just standing next to the other acne-riddled jerk-offs, he looked fairly normal.  I never understood this phenomenon.  I did succumb, somewhat, but not until my senior year when I drunkenly made out with a member of the Yale “Alleycats” right before his confession that he had “considered bisexuality.”  It was a low point. 
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Great news!!!!!!

Jersey Shore picked up a million viewers this week from last … probably because of all the controversy!  I’d like to think that my blog helped, just a wee bit.  I totally tried to pull J into the obsession ring but he’s not going for it.  He watched like 5 minutes and then said “I can’t support these kind of people in any way.”  What a wet blanket.  I found out through “Life and Style” magazine (a very fine publication) that the “Situation” is 27 and an “assistant” gym manager.  Live the dream, Situation … live the dream.

I have a lot to say …

but I’ve been working most of the weekend and I have an appearance at 8:30 a.m. in Riverslime tomorrow (as a lawyer, not a defendant, as my charming friend Pete asked). 

Until I have time to post, I’d like to leave you with these words of wisdom from Jersey Shore: 

Ronnie:  “”J-WoWWW is my go-to girl for relationship advice.”

I’ll just leave it at that.

I Think I’m Addicted to CVS

I’ve gone 3 times in the past 4 days.  And I need to go again tonight.  Is there something wrong with me?  I just love that place.  And they have great coupons.  I think I may be turning into my grandmother.  Actually, I’ve already turned into her.  Last night, when I saw that a 4-pack of Red Bull was on sale at Von’s for $5.99, I did a fist pump and said “what a great bargain!”  I think I need to get out more.

Milton Bradley Trade Today?????

That’s the buzz.  Knowing the Cubs, we’ll get screwed somehow in this deal.  Like we’ll sign someone who will immediately get hurt and miss the whole season and Bradley will go on to hit .300 somewhere else.  It’s the Cubs curse.

The Office Christmas Party

Is there anything worse?  I stayed for 5 minutes, got a plate of food, pretended to make conversation and then skedaddled.  Our building isn’t it full of lawyers which would be bad enough … it’s entertainment people.  Who are all currently getting loaded.  At noon.  On a Wednesday.  The fact of the matter is that I really don’t like people and I really don’t like being at work.  Thus, I try to work every moment I’m here to maximize my time so I can go home, do yoga, watch Jersey Shore … you know.  Important shit.  The last thing I want to do is spend my afternoon drinking wine with a bunch of douchebags casting “Bernie Madoff:  The Musical” (not making this up).

I Did Not Sleep with Tiger Woods

I just wanted to throw that out there … my office colleague/separated-at-birth brother thought there may have been some “buzz” …

This is Why I Get Myself Into Trouble

So, I have this very very stupid case I’m defending for my client.  The plaintiff, a very fat illegal alien, falls down in our store and now wants $500,000.  She has back probs, knee probs, etc.  Possibly because she weighs 260 and is “5′3″.  Could play a role.  Anywho, her attorney is this very young, aggressive douchebag who calls me at least once every other day to complain about something or another.  So, I’ve been pretty nice to him, thus far, but now I’m over it.  He calls today reading me the riot act about how “no one in my office is taking his case seriously.”  My response?  “You know what, you’re right.  Your case is stupid and your demand is idiotic.”  “Well, aren’t you going to make a counter-offer?”  “O.K., how about $10 and all the change I have in my purse.”  

Needless to say, it did not end well.  I believe a trial may be forthcoming.