Things That Are Annoying Me Today

1.  Everything;

2.  Everyone.

Good God

I am a firm believer of the school of thought that the “Universe”, God, Jesus … whatever the hell you want to call “it” totally kicks your ass into gear if you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing.  I wrote about my contemplative weekend and “thinking” about maybe, one day, getting involved with someone.  So, here’s my horoscope for the day:

Lisa,
Status and security goals need rethinking now, to take advantage of changing circumstances. Try to fall into the arms of someone who can support you. You have been going alone for too long and it is starting to wear you down. Working as a team will help you achieve what you are striving for.

For crying out loud … I get it!!!!  I don’t need any more freaking messages from the Universe!!  Annoying. 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

That’s a ref to a Bowie song in case you didn’t know.  It’s almost midnight.  I’m exhausted.  In spite of that fact, I totally can’t fall asleep.  I know … I know.  You’re very surprised.  Me too.  Or not. 

Sooooo … I’ve had all this non-partying time this weekend to think and reflect.  And work, of course.  I think I’m going to make some changes in my life.  I’m actually reading this great book “Finding Your Own North Star” which sounds like new-agey bullshit but is actually fantastic.  This life coach woman wrote it and it’s supposed to be about finding your authentic self and your proper path.  I’m all over that.  There’s lots of exercises to do.  Totally not patient with exercises but I’m going to give it a go and tell you what I find.

I’m also going to try and let down the walls a little bit more … I know this is a topic I’ve already written about extensively but I really am trying to do this.  Being vulnerable is just so, so, sooooooooooooo  … frightening.  I’m not sure how to do it.  As I’ve discussed before, I’m just not sure who I am without this persona.  This stupid mask I have to wear all the time.  I don’t HAVE to wear it … I wear it because it makes me feel safe and protected.  The same reason I date people who live far away or are “unavailable” in some other respect.  This may not be the best time to take this project on since life is going to be pretty stressful for the next few weeks but … hey.  I always take on too much at one time.  What can I say?  I’m an extreme character.  With that said, I’m going to try my best to start letting people in a little bit more.  Start saying what I’m really feeling instead of saying the “cool” thing or going for the easy laugh.  I’m hoping that writing it down like this will give me some sort of added incentive to stick with the plan.  I really want to do this.  A friend of mine and I had a conversation recently.  I was giving him a hard time for “always” being in a relationship.  He said to me “you haven’t been in a relationship for years.  What’s so good about that?”  Point well taken.  I’ve actually been sort of bugged by that conversation ever since we had it which is like 2 weeks ago.  He’s right, I think.  One day, I am going to have to get back into a relationship.  As much as I dread thinking about that, I guess it could be really great, right?  I guess I look at other people’s relationships and think “wow … I would never want to be in that kind of relationship.”  But, there’s probably not just one true way to have a relationship.  I could probably figure out my own way to do things.  Oh, the guy would have a say, also, I suppose.   

I think I’m babbling now.  I’m not sure what I’m talking about.  This week has been hectic, crazy, exhausting, awful, great … all at once.  A total rollercoaster from day to day.  I may be too old to consistently have these kind of days.  *Sigh*  O.K., I fully downloaded this mediation thingy on Itunes (my bf) so I think I’m going to give it a go and hope I get peaced-out enough for sleeping time.  I hope y’all had a nice weekend.  Mucho mucho love to all.

Top Chef/Homesick

I’m doing the Top Chef marathon to catch up this season … sooo awesome.  I can’t believe I’ve never watched this show before.  Totally rad.  The episode I just watched had the contestants cooking for a tailgate at Soldier’s Field before a Bears game.  I became so homesick that I almost started crying.  It’s been a long time since I lived in Chicago but I am a total Chicago girl.  Greatest city in the world.  Coolest people, too.  I so miss it.  Every few months, I get this idea about moving back.  Then, I remember how freaking cold it is and that I can’t wear flipflops in January.  There is something to be said for practically bare feet in winter.  On the other hand, Chicago is so much cooler than L.A. in so many other respects.  For one thing, the people there treat sports like a religion … as they should.  This town can’t even support a NFL team.  No one cares about sports at all.  Go to a Dodgers game and people are too busy tossing that fucking beachball around to even watch the game.  Lame.  So lame.  I like being in a place where people are passionate about SOMETHING.  Out here, it seems like no one is passionate about anything.  Everyone is so blase, “seen it all”, bored, drugged-up, superficial, whatever.  And no, not everyone is like that … but a lot of people are.  Chicagoans are just so much more real.  I miss that.  I guess in an ideal situation, I could live in both places.  Chicago in the Summer and LA in the Winter.  Need to work on that.  I think that if June 5th goes well (cross my fingers, cross my heart, knock on wood, etc., etc.), I might have to treat myself to a long weekend back in Chicago for a present.  I miss my friends, family, Cubs, Bears, cool bars where no one gives a shit if you walk in wearing shorts, etc.  Very homesick right now.  

More Scattered Thoughts from a Scattered Brain

I’m simultaneously making to-do lists for this week, watching a “Top Chef” marathon and listening to Sublime.  God, I miss Sublime.  What a total waste.  Bradley had such a unique voice.  And their sound was so cool.  Like 1000 bands have imitated them since B died with varying degrees of success, but, in my opinion, none even come close. 

O.K., I’m not gay but this woman who hosts Top Chef is BEAUTIFUL.  Like stunningly gorgeous.  Impossible to look away.  Padma something?  I think she recently divorced Salman Rushdie.  I wonder why you would marry some small, old man who has to live in hiding because every fundamentalist Muslim in the world is trying to kill him, when you’re super hot?  Weird.  I don’t even think Salman Rushdie is super rich.  Maybe he’s really awesome in bed.  Like he knows tricks or something. 

O.K., have to go back to work.  I’m sure I’ll be reporting in shortly with some nonsense …

In Career Mode

I just realized today that the biggest day of the year for me, professionally, is less than 3 weeks away.  June 5th.  With that in mind, I’m fully buckling down.  I was thinking of going to NYC for Memorial Day to visit friends but, I think that’s going to be impossible.  Need to spend all of my free time seeing/talking to clients, calling scouts, scouting directors, general managers, etc.  This date sneaked on my so quickly.  That means no socializing until June 5th.  Which happens to be a Thursday … hopefully, I’m going to be celebrating great victory that night.  I hope.  Nervous.  Also, feel like I haven’t been working hard enough.  I’m forever having this inner monologue where the lil’ angel Lisa and devil Lisa fight it out re: the balance between social life and career.  I think good Lisa is winning today.  I’ve been in serious party mode a bit too much lately.  It’s time to be Career Barbie instead of Socialite Barbie.  Luckily, I love what I do for a living.  *Sigh*  I think that means I have to have a vacation from boys, too.   Rob is still around … kind of a little needy right now.   I’m trying to be “understanding of his feelings” or whatever, but, the truth is … I sort of don’t care.  I’m sort of focused on the draft right now and R doesn’t seem all that important at the moment.  I have talked to B this weekend who is just as busy as I am.  Mostly some texting.  It’s cool, though, because he is one of the few people in the world who can understand why this is so important to me and why I have to be so focused.  Don’t worry, y’all.  I’m sure I’ll still post.  This is sort of my therapy so I’m going to keep up with the posting.  Just probably not as many good stories revolving around boys and booze.  I’ll try to keep it interesting.

Coldplay

I totally don’t fucking get them.  Everyone I know loves this band and thinks they walk on water but their music somehow makes me feel both bored and irritated.  I’m watching this new video for “Violet Hill” and this could be their suckiest song yet.  I’m sure it will be a huge hit.  I have to admit … the song “Yellow” is kinda brilliant.  “And your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones … turn into something beautiful … do you know for you I bleed myself dry … I bleed myself dry.”  The song “Fix You” is pretty brills, as well.  Which makes it all the weirder for me that every single other song sucks so hard.  Don’t get it.  Just looking at a picture of that dude married to Gwenyth Paltrow makes me want to do violent things involving sharp, pointed objects.  In fact, I just had to stop the video.  I was starting to feel very destructive towards my computer.