Oh. My. God.

Best show ever announced at HOB … July 5th.  Reverend Horton Heat with Nashville Pussy and Supersuckers.  Dude.  I am so there.  Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim.  I think you need to come down for the 4th of July and just stay until my bday.  We could go to Hootenanny!!!!   I know you have a baby and all but … hey, that guy on the Bachelorette left his kid for 6 weeks.  This would only be like 2 weeks.   I’m buying 2 tickets … right now … just sayin’ …

I was just thinking …

that another good career for me would be dominatrix.  But now, I disagree with myself.  (Btw, these conversations between me and me take place often in my head.  My multiple personalities like to debate from time to time.)  I think I would NOT be a good dominatrix because: (a) I wouldn’t want to wear some outfit made of leather.  Or latex.  Totally not breathable fabrics.  It is not hot to be covered in a rash.  And I have extremely sensitive skin; and (b) I’m not sure I could act that weirdly angry.  Like sexy angry.  At best, I think I would want to mock these losers but I’m not sure anyone will pay me to sit around in yoga pants and a sports bra and destroy their self-esteem.  I don’t want to whip anyone.  Or have someone kiss my feet.  Ewwwww … in fact, I wouldn’t want anyone touching me at all.  Gross.  However, if there IS a job out there involving comfortable clothes and personality decimation, please advise me asap.

On a side note, I had my interview this morning for my new contract job.  At the interview, I found out my new boss-to-be is from Chicago, yet is NOT a sports fan???????????????????????  I told him that if had lived next-door to me, I would have him tarred and feathered.  Un. Accept. Able.  His retort was “well, in L.A., it doesn’t matter as much.”  My response:  “Yes … that’s because all of the men out here are in the midst of a deep homosexual panic.”  I really did say this.  Not kidding.  In spite of threatening him with bodily harm and insinuating that he should question his sexuality, I believe I still have the job.  He already gave me a lot of detailed information and said he would check references “only because he’s forced to.”  It’s really good that I’m rude AND funny.  I think that if I was just rude without the good jokes, I would have no friends.  And no career.  I would be a social pariah.  Oddly enough, though, if you’re a little blonde person and say everything with a smile, you can really get away with murder.  Seriously. 

O.K., just one more thing about the Bachelorette …

and then I’m done, I swear.  I also forgot that when this one dude got voted off (28 y.o.-football player (never heard of him)/totally insane Christian/virgin until marriage), he said “but I’m a good guy!  I was voted “friendliest person” in 8th grade!”  I shit you not.  If you are not watching this show, you may want to start.  I bet that 28 y.o. would be a lot more normal if he got laid once in a while.  Good-looking, big dude, too.  But sooooooooo crazy.  Anyone who is that into their religion is, by definition, crazy.  In my opinion, crazy religious people are one and the same with crazy cult people.  Same fucking idea.  It doesn’t matter who you’re praying to … you’re still 100% loon. 

Another guy who was voted off was this weird Greek guy who only talked about Greek shit with the bachelorette (who is like part-Greek but grew up in Georgia … so really not).  He was buuuuuuummed about going home.  His weird speech had this neverending table analogy “I bring a lot to the table.  If everything is on the table then I shouldn’t have to spoon-feed you what’s on the table.”  Except it went on for like 10 minutes.  Classic.  Love. This Show. 

Drill Sergeant

Another career I think I would rock.  I forgot that on The Bachelorette, they also had a push-up contest among the dudes.  Some of these guys were totally doing fucking girl push-ups on their KNEES.  WHAT??????????????  I would stick my stiletto hell into their back until they cried.  Girl push-ups … these guys should be ashamed.  They’re all like in their 20s or early 30s.  Even I can do at least 10 normal pushups.  At least.  Maybe more … hmmm … I think I’m going to try right now and see how many I can do … will report back when I have more info …

The Bachelorette=Creepy

I’ve totally sworn off watching The Bachelor but … I’m still totally up for the Bachelorette.  Just finished last night’s viewing … dude, those guys are super weird.  On The Bachelor, the women all come off as desperate.  On The Bachelorette, the guys come off as desperate and totally creepy.  And they’re not even that good-looking.  I’d be pissed if I were the Bachelorette and I had this unattractive, creepy lot to choose from.  I would have kicked off 20 the first day.  There’s one guy who is a single dad (which is weird, too … he’s leaving his 3 y.o. kid so he can be on a reality t.v. show?  There’s some awesome parenting.  He must have gone to the Dina Lohan school … more on the new season of “Living Lohan” later … can we say “train wreck?”) and he just really creeps me out.  He totally has crazy eyes.  He acts all nice but I’m positive that this guy is envisioning the bachelorette’s head in his freezer.  There’s something off about him.  There’s another guy who is sooooo rad.  He’s a martial arts instructor from Kentucky.  With a full-on mullet.  And on his “date”, he wore a weirdly striped suit.  Not like pinstripes … like giant blocks of vertical striping.  In slightly differing hues of blue.  Oh … and on the first night, he kicked an apple off some dude’s head to impress the bachelorette.  I would so rock this show.  I think I should be the bachelorette.  Of course, my show would not be on ABC.  More like HBO.  For Adult Themes and Adult Language.  Otherwise, I would be bleeped every 5 seconds.  Which could be pretty rad … hmmmmmmm … I already see myself telling all the guys up front that they’re pussies and need to step it up.  Oh … speaking of which, there was also a date on this episode where the creepy dad told the bachelorette that his favorite song was “P.Y.T.” by Michael Jackson.  And I don’t think he was trying to be funny or kitchy.  I was fully fucking floored.  The bachelorette was very gracious about this admission.  I would SO not be … the next shot would be me on the floor crying with laughter.  PYT?????????????  Dude … WTF? 

I’m Not a Rock Star … I’m a Fucking Legend

That was on a t-shirt I saw today at the Beverly Center.  I’m now having the opposite of buyer’s remorse because I think I really need this item in my life.  It was a dude’s shirt so it may be all big but … I can make it work.  I mean, who more appropriate could rock that shirt than moi?  Dude.

Sydney White

Instead of watching When Harry Met Sally for the 400th time, I decided to watch this movie on pay-per-view.  It had 2 elements I enjoy in almost any movie:  (1) Amanda Bynes who is just so darling and adorable you HAVE to love her; and (2) a teen plot set in a college sorority.  I may not be the targeted demographic for this kind of film but this is SO my scene.  I adore teen movies and I especially adore any teen movies with Bynes or Hillary Duff.  Although, now that Hillary lost the baby fat and is all sexy, I don’t think she does these sort of movies, anymore.  Too bad because “A Cinderella Story” is really one of the all time greats of this genre.  Anyway, the movie is sort of a modern-day take-off of Snow White.  Sooooooooooo cute.  Loved it.  I feel all happy now.  Also on ppv was “There Will be Blood” but I had a feeling that would just bum me out for the rest of the night.  I actually watched “Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead”, the other night.  Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke.  Great reviews.  Acting was amazing.  Most. Depressing. Movie. Ever.  Lots of death.  And darkness.  Those kind of movies bum me out way too much.  Sometimes, I feel like an emotional sponge … I just soak up all the emotions around me.  And then I’m just a heavy, depressed, soggy sponge.  Yuck.  Nobody likes a soggy sponge.  Thus, I went for the light-hearted romp.  Who doesn’t enjoy a lighthearted romp? 

Well … I should get ready for bed soon.  Interview tomorrow for another contract position at a big firm.  *Sigh*  The good news is that E is also interviewing for the project so we will hopefully be working together again.  Not that it’s SUCH a big deal since we are also going to be living together.  Thank God.  I HATE my current building SO MUCH.  And I’ve been here for like 5 years.  With the nosiest landlord on the planet.  But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Before I sign off, just dowloaded this CD by an artist I just heard about, Matt Duke.  Super super pretty and acousticy.  Sort of like a not-as-lame John Mayer.  Very cool.  2 thumbs-up from LP. 

Three Words For You …

Top. Chef. Marathon.  What a great day I’m having.  Laziest. Day. Ever.  Love it. 

Here is what I’ve done today:

10:30 a.m.-Awaken

10:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.-Read in bed while simultaneously eating giant fruit dish ordered from yummy.com with cottage cheese.  And I haven’t even STARTED reading the Chelsea Handler book.  Before starting last night, I realized that I still had my newest Jen Lancaster book to read:  “Such a Pretty Fat.”  LOVE HER.  Same author of “Bitter is the New Black” and “Bright Lights, Big Ass.”  She writes the way that I would write if I were funnier and smarter.  Check out her blog, Jennsylvania, “Home of the Free, Land of the Bitter”, at www.jenlancaster.com.  Well worth your while.  Trust.  So … I’ve been in Jennsylvania all morning.  Oh … I’m also reading the newest book in the Gossip Girl series, “The Carlyles.”  Yes, I am soon-to-be 37 y.o.  Yes, this is a series for teenagers.  Do I give a shit what you think?  The answer would be “no.”  What could be better than spending an entire morning/afternoon in bed reading about rich, fucked-up, sex-addicted teens?  Ummm … that would be NOTHING.

So, at 2:30, I decided to be “productive” and do a load of laundry.  Yes, one load of laundry.  I didn’t want to overtax my system.  Oooh … sidenote … listening to my recommendations on ITunes.  ITunes is the most brilliant machine of all time.  I don’t know how the fuck this works but I DO love “Nite and Day” by Al B. Sure!  How could ANYONE possibly know that?  Well, I mean, besides my really good friends who would guess that I would listen to Al B. Sure based upon my track record.  LOVE IT.  Oh … I forgot that Lindsay Buckingham ever had a solo career.  Hmmm … “Trouble.”  I remember this song but not a home run, ITunes.  You will have to work a little harder.

O.K., 2:30-5:30 was a Top Chef marathon of three episodes that I haven’t seen yet this season.  I feel like this show should win an Emmy.  Actually, I feel like this show should win ALL the Emmys.  In every category.  That’s how in love with this show I am.  I totally have a crush on the show, too … Andrew.  He’s not totally my physical type but he’s def cute … totally crazy and outspoken.  Very strongly opinionated.  I just watched an episode where he was totally set on presenting his dish inspired by “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” on his knees, dressed as an Oompa-Loompa.  Fucking love this guy.  The other two bad-times in his group refused to o.k. the idea.  Whatev.  I think Andrew and I would either fall madly in love or fight nonstop.  Or both.  Sadly, Andrew has been voted off.  Very bummed.  Apparently, he’s a sous-chef in NYC.  Way too far away for stalking purposes.  *Sigh*  Oh well …

O.K., crazy newsflash … my little sister is sending me alarming text messages involving kissing her female neighbor.  Did I mention that my sister is married?  To a man.  Sadly, crazy partying sort of runs in the family.  Totally genetic.  For those who have ever met my mother, “Barbie”, you know where I’m coming from. 

Ugh … a TOTAL strikeout from ITunes … Sarah McLachlan …. least. favorite. artist. ever.  HATE her.  I mean, REALLY hate her.  She represents what my friend, Shelden, would refer to as “whiny female music.”  Grossgrossgross.  I’m sure SML is a totally nice woman but, honestly, I wish we could send her and all recordings of her crap deep into outer space.  I would rather attend a 4 hour Milli Vanilli show (I mean, if the one guy didn’t tragically commit suicide) than listen to one SML song the whole way through. 

Oh, ITunes, you have redeemed yourself.  Just suggested the song from the movie “Valley Girl” (one of the greatest movies of all time) “I La la la Love You” by Pat Travers.  I had NO idea that’s what this song was called or who sang it.  If y’all know the movie, this song plays in the background when Randy (Nic Cage) and his buddy take Julie and her friend into Hollywood to the punk rock club right after they meet at the Val party.  Great great song. 

Hmmmm … I have the Bachelorette tonight but not till 9.  What should I do till then?  Perhaps a movie?  I haven’t watched “When Harry Met Sally” for such a long time and that really is one of my favorite movies on the planet.  And I always cry at the end.  Because I’m a big ol’ sappy mcsapperson.  It is what it is.  (Btw, that’s like my least fave phrase on the planet.  What the fuck does it mean?  What “is” what what “is”?  Totally fucking unclear.  It’s supposed to explain away any situation.  Like, “sorry I hit you with my car while drunk driving and now you’re paralyzed.  You know, it is what it is.”  Lame.)

O.K., off for LMP Sap Fest 2008.  Hope y’all had a great weekend!