“Ladies and Gentleman, your starting quarterback … Rex Grossman!”
The Bears did win today against the horrifyingly bad Lions … but the game was WAY too close. 27-23. Not at all like our 34-7 romp in week 5. Which makes me very worried for next week’s game against the undefeated Titans. Even more alarming? Kyle Orton injured. And it looks like a baaaad injury. Carried off the field on the cart. Oy. Vey. If we have to depend on Sexy Rexy for the second half of the season … well, let’s just say that things are not looking up for the Bears. Yes, yes, I know he took us to a Superbowl a couple of years ago but our D was MUCH much better then. There’s no way we can depend on Rex and his “happy feet” to take us to the playoffs this year. It looks like we might be activating Caleb Hanie … our 3rd stringer. Hopefully today. The guy was pretty decent in preseason …
Soooo, I went to this lame, douchey sports bar to watch the game. Why? Because it’s located directly behind my place. And my car is no working. Yet again. But that’s a story for another time and place. Anyway, not many Bears fans there and I actually have my own t.v. I’m hanging out, eating, drinking, reading the paper, texting my friends about the game, etc. My usual gameday activities.
There are 3 minutes left in the game. The score is 27-23. Lions are driving. I’m stressed out and clutching my cell phone like they’re prayer beads. (Nice reference there for all you Catholics from the Jewish girl, don’t you think?) Suddenly, this heavyset, middle-aged blonde woman appears at my elbow. Whose name I cannot even remember anymore. Like “Linda” or “Jessica.” Something like that. She introduces herself to me as a fellow Bears fan and says she came over as the “welcome wagon”, blah, blah, blah. She tells me she’s sitting with a big group of Bears fans who come every week. I look over to where she is pointing and see about 6 black guys and another heavyset, blonde woman in her 40s. None of whom are wearing a Bears jersey. Including Linda. If that is her name. I see a Colts jersey, Titans, even Cardinals. I point this out to Linda who says “oh … yeah, they like those teams but they sort of like the Bears too.” Hmmmm … that would not qualify as a Bears fan in my book. Of course, I may have a different understanding of the word “fan” as I actually started crying when Kyle Orton was carted off the field. I gave myself props for not standing up and clapping for him in the bar, like everyone at Soldier did. If I were home, I definitely would have.
Anywho, Linda then starts in on her whole life story. Now, not only could I not be any LESS interested in hearing about her childhood in Elgin, Illinois followed by a move to Madison, Wisconsin as a teen, but … hello? … there are 3 MINUTES LEFT TO PLAY IN A 4 POINT GAME! AND THE OTHER TEAM IS DRIVING DOWN THE FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I spend about 30 seconds pretending to be interested before deciding to completely discard any attempt at gracefully bowing out of the conversation and just turn to the t.v. and ignore her. Unfortunately, this does not dissuade Linda (maybe her name was Kathy???) from continuing to talk. And to talk about the most bizarre subject in the world to address with a stranger you met 10 minutes ago, i.e., her love/sex life. Welcome to Lisa’s Bizarro World.
Linda tells me that she used to date one of the dudes at the table but now they are just friends, although, they still sleep together every once in a while. Keep in mind that there has been NOTHING said up to this point about dating, sex, relationships, etc. She just drops this out of the blue. I didn’t ask “so, Linda, can you give me a brief explanation of your history and status with each guy at the table?” Linda says that, in fact, it was her ex who suggested that she come over to talk to me because I might be “afraid” to be by myself in a bar. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha … funniest. statement. ever. As Kim, as well as many of my friends can attest, I actually feel MOST comfortable in a bar. There is very little that I do at home that I actually WOULDN’T feel comfortable doing at a bar. Take that as you will.
Linda continues to tell me that she really loves dating black guys. In fact, she ONLY dates black guys. I’m continuing to stare at the television and pretend this whole conversation isn’t happening. In fact, everytime she makes another of her bizarre and inappropriate comments, I respond by stating how much time is left in the game. It goes something like this:
Linda: “Oh … let me introduce you to Patrick, the manager (indicating bald, black guy). He’s really hot. Sometimes he calls me late at night and comes over.”
Me: (hysterical laughter) “29 seconds!!!!!!”
Before the game ends and I am able to escape, I learn that Linda’s daughter is a lesbian and likes Hispanic women. Linda’s other daughter likes to sleep with Italian men. Linda didn’t start dating black men until she realized she was “unfulfilled” in her marriage. I did not ask one follow-up question.
After promising the MILF from Hell that I would be back next week to watch the Titans-Bears game with her and her group of “Bears fans” (not a fucking chance in hell), I was able to narrowly escape.
When I become agoraphobic, which I’m sure will occur anyday now, it will be due to having to deal with people like this on a daily basis.
