Melissa Wells, Career Coach Extraordinaire

My dear friend, Melissa, referenced below, has launced her career coaching business … if you know of anyone who might benefit from this service, I direct you to her website:

http://www.amazoncoaching.com

“Hi, My Name is Troy McClure. You May Remember Me From Such Public Service Announcements as ‘Designated Drivers … the Life Saving Nerds.’”

More Phil Hartman fun …

“Have You Ever Heard of Planet of the Apes?” “The Movie or the Planet?”-Troy McClure

Just for fun … I don’t know why, but this song just popped into my head.  I’m a HUGE Simpsons fan and a HUGE Phil Hartman fan.  The Simpsons always remind me of my friend, Pete, who is an equally large Phil Hartman fan.  Unfortunately, no video, but the audio is entertaining enough …

The Houseguest from Hell

So … my weekend kind of sucked ass.  For many reasons. 

I usually never have houseguests.  There are very few people that I can tolerate on a 24 hour basis.  My sister, Kimmy Kim, selected college friends, etc.  The primary reason is that I think I’m not that great at entertaining for long amounts of time.  The friends that I get along with best for extended periods of time are other people who are pretty independent and/or are cool with kicking back and watching t.v. or movies for long periods of time.  Obvs, my sister and I lived together growing up, so we’re cool and Kimmy and I practically lived together in SF, so we’re cool.  However, such was not the case this weekend.

A friend from AZ came into town.  Now, this is not a particularly good friend, nor did I even invite her.  She’s more of a casual, Facebook friend, than anything.  My good friend from home, Erin, and I actually met her several years ago at our high school reunion.  She was married to a friend of ours.  They are since divorced and our friend, K, has been sort of a hot mess ever since.  Got married very young, has a 10 y.o. kid and has spent the last few years meeting guys on the internet and flying all over the world (seriously … world) to “date” them.  Even though she’s very close to 40, her behavior with dudes is more like that of a 20 y.o.  A not-particularly-mature 20 y.o.  I’ve attempted to “counsel” her on this issue many times (I know … it’s not like I’m so successful in relationships but, hey, I give great advice!) with an absolute 0% success rate. 

Anywho, a couple of months ago she asked me to reserve a weekend in late September because she wanted me to be her date for a friend’s wedding in SM and was planning to come into town and stay with me.  Soooo, I totally blocked out this weekend and in fact, told FB not to come visit because I had company coming into town.  (Btw, there is a FB update for y’all … he’s attempting to “woo” me back … whatever … we’ll see.)  So, K is supposed to come into town on a Friday night.  At 2 p.m. on Friday, she sends me a message on fucking Facebook cancelling.  No phone call, no email, nothing.  She cancels because she waited too long to get a plane ticket and flights were too expensive and she thought the drive from Phx was “too far” (it’s like 5 1/2 hours).  O.K., so I was pretty irritated by that but I just let it roll off my shoulders.  Especially since I had bigger fish to fry with regard to other issues at the time.  And nobody’s perfect, right?  I mean, yes, I’m perfect, but no one else can be held to that standard …

O.K., so on Tuesday, I receive a frantic email from her begging me to allow her to come in this weekend and stay at my place.  She has met “the love of her life” (again) at some conference and he’s a doctor who lives in Dallas but will be in town (not really in town, as it happens, he’s in Anaheim) giving some sort of presentation this weekend.  Against my better judgment and because I have serious boundary issues with friends, I say “yes” and let her come in.  Oddly enough, she was able to, this time, get one of those “expensive” last-minute tickets.  Apparently, for potential sex, no expense is spared. 

We talk and the plan is that she’s going to hang out with me on Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday.   She has a “tentative date” scheduled for Saturday night with Dr. Feelgood.  O.K., fine.  She comes in  Friday night, sick as a dog.  Coughing, wheezing, sneezing … the whole 9 yards.  I’m a little annoyed only because I’m just getting over a bad cold.  And, due to some medication I’ve been on for a while, my immune system is super compromised all the time so I catch bugs super easily.  We have dinner on Fri. night and she comes back and basically passes out on my couch.  K sleeps all day on Saturday, only waking up to demand various things of me.  Such as “can you make me some soup?” or “can you draw me a bath” or “can you show me all the different teas you have because my throat hurts?”  O.K., slightly annoyed because, again, I never really invited her to come in the first place and now I’m stuck taking care of a patient all day but … o.k.  It’s not her fault she’s sick, right?

K makes a miraculous comeback in time for her date.  I watch her fashion show, complete with hair and makeup selections, give Dr. Feelgood directions from Orange County and act like a nice friend.  Now, my building is a security building, meaning, you have to have a special key fob thingy to enter the building.  We only have 2 total:  one for me and one for E.  E wasn’t home this weekend so all I had was mine.  Before she leaves, K swears up and down that she’s not going to have a sleepover date with the good doctor and will be home that night.  And then asks for my keys for her return.  I refuse to give her my keys and tell her to just call me when she’s back and, or, if it’s going to be superlate, or, if she’s not returning, just give me a call and let me know.  I’m  usually a night owl every night EXCEPT Saturdays during NFL season since the Bears game is always on at 10 a.m. so I wake up early to be at the sports bar by 9:30 to get a good seat.  (yes, it is a sickness)  And I tell her this since today (Sunday) is Bears-Packers an ESPECIALLY huge game for Bears fans.  Oh, and btw, she then drops that she’s a Packers fan.  At which point I told her to get the fuck out of my place.  She laughed.  I said “no, really … get the fuck out of here RIGHT NOW.”  Unfortunately, she didn’t leave.  She’s also not really a Pack fan, as it happens.  Just one of those annoying chicks who thinks Bret Favre is “hot.”  Me:  “You know he’s not on the Pack, anymore, right?”  K:  “Oh, of course I know that!”  Me:  “So … do you know who your QB is?”  K: “Ummmm … I forgot his name.”  Me:  “Aaron Rodgers.  Do you know what school he attended?”  K:  “Ummmm …. “  Me:  “Berkeley.  So … do you know any player on “your” team other than Favre?”  K:  “Ummmmm … “ 

O.K., so, back to the point … I don’t give K my keys in a very wise move, as it happens.  K leaves and I don’t hear from her all night.  I’m getting antsy to go to bed and I’m waiting, waiting, waiting … finally at 2:15 a.m., she texts me:  “oops … guess I’m not coming home tonight.  Hee hee.”  I text back:  “I sort of figured that out, you big hooker” and go to bed.

This morning I’m all tired and crabby and then have to watch the single worst Bears defeat I have ever witnessed.  I can’t really even talk about the devastation right now.  Not just a 37-3 LOSS but to the PACK!!!!!!!!!!!!  My only hope is that the Bears are so disgusted by their performance that we absolutely slaughter the hapless Rams next Sunday.  As I told E, if at least 5 Rams players don’t end up in the hospital, I will consider the game a defeat. 

I sit around until about 3:30 p.m. waiting and waiting and waiting for some word from K.  Nothing.  I go out for an “anger run” because I’m totally irritated with the Bears, K, life, etc. and promptly figure out that this was a very bad idea since all of Southern Cali is on fire, in case you’ve been living in a cave with Osama bin Laden and didn’t hear, and even down by the beach, it’s totally impossible to breathe without wheezing.  I come home to 3 frantic phone calls from K wondering where I am because she needs to be at the airport in an HOUR.  Nice notice, right?

Sooooo … when she returns, instead of doing a whole passive-aggressive, cold shoulder thing, I decide to be “aggressive-aggressive” and let her know that she is very inconsiderate of my time and has basically  used my place as a storage locker.  She tries to give some bullshit “Oh, I tried to call but there was no reception” excuse (Me:  “You only gained reception one hour before your plane left?  How odd.”) and then just gives me a fake “oh … I feel just TERRIBLE about this.  I didn’t realize I would be messing up your day.”  My question … how do you NOT realize that?  Do you think she’s lying or just super fucking inconsiderate?  Anyway, she tried to tell me about her night/day with lover boy but, as you probably guessed, I was in no mood.  Especially after she told me that she almost called me at 4 a.m. to ask if I thought she should sleep with him.  Sadly, she was not kidding.  Soooo, after some vague promise about “taking me out to dinner” to make up for it (yeah right … I’m not planning on ever hanging out with you again, loser), she leaves. 

At first, I felt like maybe I was being too harsh except upon consideration of the following facts:

(a) I didn’t invite her into town; she invited herself and then acted super rude; and

(b) this WAS her second chance.

So, I’m over it.  The moral of the story is … no more houseguests.  Except for the 5-10 people who have been previously cleared.  And they know who they are.  If you’re wondering if you’re on that list, the answer is probably “no.” 

The only bright spot of the weekend: the following quote from tonight’s “Entourage.”  Ari Gold has to deal with Vince’s asshole German director.  Vince:  “How are things going to be different now that you’re here?”  Ari:  “Because the Jew has arrived and he doesn’t like Germans!”  Hahahahaha.  Another quote was: “This will make Normany look like a paintball fight!”  Piven is the best.

A Very Special Belated Bday Wish …

to my friend, Melissa.  Melissa has really been a lifesaver to me, recently.  M is a friend of mine from college that I haven’t seen for years.  But … it’s really been her extraordinarily kind emails to me and her opening up about her own life that have got me through some very tough times of recent.  Not to be Bitter McBitterson, but at a time when a lot of my really “good” friends knew I was going through shit and didn’t feel the need to even check in with me, Melissa came out of the blue and was there for me when I most needed some support.  M, even if I never spoke to you again in my lifetime (which I certainly HOPE doesn’t happen … I mean, unless I get hit by a bus tomorrow or something … ), I want you to know that your amazing kindness and love is something I will carry with me forever.  Really.  Love you and I hope you had a wonderful bday!